Numb

EDIT: Looking back on this three hours later, I can tell you that I’m okay and that this is very sensationalised. I was going to delete it but then decided to leave it up as it is an honest depiction of what mental illness can do to a person. One minute you’re fine after a good day, the next you want to kill yourself. Sorry to be blunt but that’s how it is.

I always feel like I’m the third wheel, the person that tags along despite not being explicitly invited. The one that takes photos because nobody really wants to be in a photo with me. And it’s tearing me apart. 

Some people want to be rich; others happy but I know that neither of those are possible for me so I just have one simple wish: someone to call my own. Not necessarily a boy/girlfriend, just someone that cared about me. Someone that trusted me. Someone that would recognise that I’m hurting. Someone who would organise things to do. I don’t have anyone like that. I have to ask to be invited or beg people to come out with me.

I used to care so much for everyone. I used to smile when they were happy, cry when they were sad. Now I’m just completely numb to it all. It’s one thing to be alone, but another to be lonely and it is killing me.

Diabetic Clinic 

I was a big girl today. I went to the adults diabetic clinic for the first time today. I even managed not to pass out when getting bloods done, although the nurse let me lie down and didn’t make a fuss over finding a vein which helped a lot.

I was seriously impressed by the nurses, but the doctor had me in and out in less than five minutes and told me to go private  (?!) when I asked to be referred to a Podiatrist. I wouldn’t even know where to start when it comes to going outside the NHS. How much does it cost? So yeah, I wasn’t impressed by that.

I have more input into my treatment options now and manged to get the doctor to prescribe my Toujeo instead of Lantus (types of long-acting insulin) which gives me hypos almost every night and messes up my sleep schedule. As well we discussed the new technologies for diabetics. The NHS still refuses to fund continously glucose monitors (despite the evidence that they help with blood sugar control) which is the latest advancement. In the not so distant future we may be able to test our blood by shining a laser through our fingers, but I don’t see the NHS funding that when the same results can be achieved from drops of blood.

It feels a bit strange to be treated as an adult when I feel no more mature than I did a year ago but this is all part and parcel of turning 16. 


Meeting Your YouTube Idol: It isn’t what you’d think.

There is a YouTuber that I have admired since I was nine years old when she started her channel. Recently she moved back to Northern Ireland with her family and since then I have seen her in passing twice. Northern Ireland isn’t a very big place so I knew that there was always a possibility that I would bump into her and I always visualised what would happen: I’d say hello, tell her that I’m a big fan of her videos and we’d smile at each other and then both go on our ways. 

The first time I saw her, she was with her husband and they both looked miserable. Probably just a resting bitch face or something but I surprised me considering what a happy and outgoing person she seems to be in her vlogs. I smiled but they never saw me. The second time I saw her and seeing that she was busy I refrained from distracting her. 

I’m not annoyed or upset at all about this, if anything it taught an important lesson: don’t expect people that you see on the screen to be the same in person. It was just a bit strange for me since I watched this person since I was a child, watching as she started a family and took on ambitious projects. In a way I considered her to be my friend, but of course she doesn’t even know that I exist. 

I’ve chosen not to name the YouTuber since I’m worried that this comes across as negative nor do I want to invade her privacy. This experience drove home for me that the people that I admire have their own struggles and have to take on the unglamorous tasks e.g. shopping like the rest of us.

Today

Today, well I suppose it’s yesterday now, was just one of those days that didn’t go to plan. I had all of these lovely plans which I had meticulously scheduled but of course I just didn’t happen.

It all began to fall apart in the AM as I slept in until midday despite descending to get up at 10 and have a healthy breakfast before tidying up the living room before my grandad arrived. I ended up having three chocolate digestives and never got to clean up. My grandad arrived as planned but he was ill, therefore my parents had to drive him two hours to the hospital where he lives and spend the rest of the day there, leaving me home alone without any money or mode of transport. Don’t get me wrong though – there was plenty of food in the house and I had my savings in case of emergency. However this effectively ruined my plans for the rest of the day which consisted of:

  • Buying a pair of dance shoes
  • Buying a new RAM chip for my parents’ computer 
  • and going to a Spanish conversation class

I don’t need parental supervision to do any of these things but I needed transport which meant that I needed to have money for bus fare or a parent around to give me a lift. 

So with all my plans put on hold I was left twiddling my thumbs. Normally I have no issue entertaining myself when I’m home alone but I couldn’t find anything remotely interesting to do. This led to me doing laundry, cleaning dust out of the PC and making dinner for my brother and I (if oven chips and sausage rolls really count). I’m so bad at keeping track of the days that I didn’t remember until midnight that I had TV programmes that I had recorded to watch. I watched the BBC news channel all day instead for God’s sake.

I know this all comes off as very shallow but I was thinking of my grandad all day and was constantly texting my parents. There just wasn’t much that I could do from 200km away which made me feel awful redundant and anxious. I’m just glad that he’s most likely going to be okay.

Busy

I was looking at my blog stats, something that I promised myself I wouldn’t do but can’t help sometimes, and I noticed that a lot of my views are coming from Facebook despite the fact that I’ve never shared a blog link there. A couple of years ago my anonymous blog which I was stupid enough to tell a “friend” about was spread around Facebook. I had over five hundred views from Facebook flood my little blog which I wrote an awful lot of personal information on that I didn’t want my name attached to. Having looked in my stats, I know that these recent views from Facebook are coming from Belfast meaning that it’s most likely someone that I know who has shared it. I’m telling myself to keep calm, it was probably pretty innocent, but with my condition it’s kind of hard. I’m really only writing right now to try and ward off a panic attack. It’s most likely just a friend trying to drum up views for me but my mind doesn’t like common sense.

Okay, sorry about that rant whixh isn’t really relevant to the post title. I’ve been ridiculously busy this week, something that I’m not overly used to. Despite having half an hour less of classes this semester (which are more evenly spread across the days that I’m in than last) they completely drain me, probably because they are a lot more advanced. As well, I’ve been doing everything this week from trampolining to mock exams and I’m most definitely coming down with something. My muscles are aching and my sinuses are blocked which is not surprising given the emotional and physical stress I’ve putting my body against alongside poor eating. I think I need to take a step back next week.


 

Trump isn’t mentally ill, he’s  just an asshole

Today the Independent claimed that Trump is showing signs of a mental illness. In the article it claimed that he is sadistic, narcissistic, antisocial and aggressive. I totally agree with that, but suggesting that those traits are what a mentally ill person has just demonises people like me who have a mental illness but manage not to unapologetically discriminate against members of society. 

Perhaps he does have a mental illness but that’s his business and it wouldn’t make him unfit to be a president. No, it’s the lack of political experience and knowledge that makes him unfit 

Brunch

Brunch seems to be an integral part of my days now. I rarely have any 7am starts so it makes more sense to lump breakfast and lunch together to eat while watching the news. (As a side note, while I have a lot of respect for Jeremy Corbyn, Labour should really apologise for his statement that a police officer in Belfast had been killed despite the fact that he is recovering in hostpital (update: his spokesperson made a statement, I take it back))

Today:

Pizza and pineapple

I mean, it’s not that healthy but it will keep me full until dinner. Also, not pictured is the hot water with lemon and maple syrup (we had no honey) since I’ve been feeling awfully congested. I prefer slow brunches to rushed breakfasts and prepacked lunches. 

Heel Hangover

I was at a friend’s 18th last night, a proper party in a bar which I was so excited for. I got all dressed up, did my makeup, put on falsies and straightened my hair. But the shoes nearly killed me. No it wasn’t because I had too much alcohol or because I was standing out in the cold too long while waiting for a taxi – it was because of those stupid high heels. When leaving I had to go down a flight of stairs and I was clinging on to the railing for dear life. I honestly wish that I didn’t have any feet right now because then maybe I wouldn’t be in so much pain. Even my back hurts because of how heels change your posture. It’s the price of fashion, amirite?

Despite all my whinging it was a great night which I really needed. And I got served 😊 …

Midnight Blogging/Rambling Thoughts

It seems to be a theme for me as I have no day time creativity. Nothing comes to mind as I sit at a laptop in the day time but I can tap away on my smartphone until I fall asleep. They say you shouldn’t use your phone before going to sleep but it’s almost a ritual for me. I don’t like having the phone screen glare at me in the morning but at night I catch up with everything. I mean, I have to use a screen filter app (I seriously recommend Twilight for android users) and wear my glasses so I don’t hurt my eyes but it’s not the end of the world.

In the morning I’m very sluggish, more so recently since I had to use liquid fluoxetine since I couldn’t get the tablets from the doctors. I think that the liquid stuff must hit my system quicker because I feel like crap when I take it. The liquid stuff tastes horrible, probably as an attempt to stop people like me from overdosing but in reality it just makes me avoid taking it. So yeah, I have two choices: take it and be a zombie or not take it and be a miserable dick all day long. 

I’m going to try eating a bit better this week, I’ve already decided that I’m having pizza for dinner tomorrow  (sorry Mum) but I’m planning on having a Smoothie for breakfast and a salad with a side of lightly salted Popcorn for lunch so it balances itself out, right? 

As well, this is the last week of the first semester. As my mum remarked earlier while we were out for lunch, it sounds very university-like. All my assignments are finished and I’ve got distinctions in everything (except for computer systems, but we don’t talk about that) so it’s very relaxed at the minute. I don’t have to come in until eleven tomorrow and have Thursday off as a result. I was told earlier that I’m off school more often than not which I can’t argue with. 

Next semester I will study event-driven programming, computer animation, computer marketing and spreadsheet modelling alongside finishing off the website production module.

This was a really boring post, just like me. But that’s okay, you shouldn’t blog for the sake of others but for yourself and I’ve learnt to treat it almost like a diary – write as though nobody is reading.  

Gym

Back in October I started an annual gym membership. I was only after recovering from a sprained ankle and for that reason was seriously unfit. I thought that, given my previous experience in gyms, it would be fairly easy to get back into the routine of weight-lifting. Uh-huh, nope. Nothing is ever that simple with me. You see the gym that I joined didn’t have all the machines and equipment that the other gym did, forcing me to focus on cardio more than weightlifting. I hate cardio. I had a go at working more cardio into my routine but the treadmill gives me electric shocks, rowing machines hurt my dodgy knee and people don’t clean their sweat off the exercise bikes.

So instead I tried to take long walks with the dog or a friend. Not so hard, right? Of course not! A friend and I walked up Black Mountain and nearly got blown off the top by gale force wind and somewhere along the gravel path/mud track I stepped in a puddle which soaked through my trainers and caused them to rub up against my ankles making them bleed. By the time I got home I couldn’t feel my face as it had gone numb and my trainers were drenched in a mixture of muck, rainwater and blood. The view was nice though, but I think I’ll just try the elliptical instead…