Nagging Thoughts

At the start of May I once again began the process of coming off my fluoxetine. At the review appointment last week my psychiatrist encouraged me to come off the antidepressant altogether, and I really want to, but right now I can’t. You see, this just mirrors what happened the last time I tried to come off them two years ago.

It was the summer and considering that school was one of the major catalysts for my depression which was then stabilised, it seemed wise to attempt coming off meds. It was fine at first, but then I had a paranoid breakdown complete with sleep paralysis nightmares of friends and famiky members coming into my bedroom with machetes, a different person each night. Despite warning all of my friends to be wary of any erratic behaviour I was promptly thrown under the bus and wasn’t invited to anything over the summer which relegated me to my bedroom where my depression, probably closer to psychosis at that point, festered. I wrote some awful things on the blog that I had at the time which were spread around my school come September by bullies. I had other stories spread about me too, e.g. that I bullied my Spanish exchange partner. Someone told the poor girl that I hated her and she spent the rest of her week here thinking that she was in a cruel household when really I just wanted to protect her – she called me her sister before that. Is it any wonder that I ended up on even stronger medication than before? Everything else from that period is just a prescription drug fuelled haze.

Not much of that relates to my current situation except the theme of summer, but those memories are nagging at me right now and I need to get them off my chest so I can sleep. When I’m busy, I’m flying but when I have nothing to do I drown and that is why the summer is such a dangerous time for me. I’m going to spend two weeks in Spain volunteering and then I’ll spend a few days participating in a cloud computing summer scheme ( 🤓 ) in an attempt to give myself a sense of business but in all honesty the summer scares me a lot. I guess going cold turkey will have to wait until September.

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