Body Confidence 

Body confidence is something that I generally lack. As a child I was bullied for being fat, and looking back on pictures I wasn’t really. A boy in my primary school class told me that I was diabetic because I was fat and at the time I did not have the confidence or understanding to defend myself. I hardly ate for a week after that, and became convinced that if I could be skinny – I wouldn’t be diabetic anymore. Of course, that’s not how type 1 diabetes works and I realised that as I got older but the body confidence issue has always stayed with me to a certain degree. It has always affected how I dress myself – I generally stick to skirts/dresses as I really dislike my chubby legs and knock knees – but today I managed to convince myself to buy skinny jeans and I honestly believe that they are the first proper fitting pair of skinny jeans that I have ever owned. Even though they’re from Primark and they are too long, I couldn’t be happier with them. I might have to shorten them with hemming tape but that’s the penalty of buying cheap clothes. The jeans are cosy and warm and I can’t complain. Maybe I do have a little body confidence.

Shoulder Pain and Spain

Somehow I have managed to badly hurt my shoulder and for that reason I just cannot sleep, so I suppose I may blog. 

I got a provisional offer from Diverbo this week which gives me something to look forward to. Diverbo is an English speaking summer camp in Spain for Spanish kids to practise English, but they rely heavily on native English speaking volunteers and that’s where I come into it. 

Hopefully, all being well, I will be jetting off to Spain in July for two weeks. I don’t exactly speak with received pronounciation, but I really want to help the kids trying to get a good level of English. It is all I can think about at the minute, aside from the stabbing pain in my shoulder. Once I get my confirmation of location I can book flights, which is really becoming a concern for me. When I first started thinking about the flights in January they cost €90 return, but now I’m looking at  €90 each way which will mean significantly less spending money.

As well, I’m worrying about clothes. I bought a lovely bikini bottom last year but never actually wore it since I don’t have a matching top. I was just considering wearing my bra with it, because in reality who can even tell the difference? But of course the Internet said not to do that; something about absorbancy and discolouration.

As well I need suncream, and lots of it. In another lifetime I swear I was an albino, because I just cannot cope with sunlight! I’ve started noticing my cheeks going red recently even though the temperature has not hit 15°C and it has been constantly cloudy.

As you’ve probably noticed by now, I do tend to work myself up over things that shouldn’t be top of my priority list, and shouldn’t even be worrying about for that matter. Thank you anxiety.

Drowning in coursework 

Assignment, after assignment, after assignment. The minute that I submit one, another one is published. And of course my AS in Spanish is creeping closer and closer. I glad that it’s the easter holidays now, since I really need a rest but I know that the sensible thing to do is to plough through the worst of my coursework so I can focus on my rapidly approaching Spanish exams. 

Compared to this time last year, I don’t have that same sense of sheer panic – like the walls are closing in on me. Being at college allows me a lot more spare time. At my old school, I arrived just after 8am and stayed at the library after school until 6pm almost every day. I probably spent around 48 hours there every week whereas even accounting for time spent in the library I only spend 25 hours at college nowadays.

I realise that the majority of my posts revolve around college life but that is my life and it makes me happy.

Belfast Calling?

When I was eight years old, I decided that the year that I turned 18 I would go the Eurovision. That year will be next year and I am so excited. I’ve told my mum and dad that my savings are for a wee car but really they have always been for travelling purposes. Since I was 14 I have squirelled away money at birthdays, Christmas and any other occasion into a savings account; making it financially viable for me to go and see the Eurovision wherever it takes place in 2018.

But that raises a major issue: whee will it be held in 2018? Living in Northern Ireland I identify with both Ireland and, to a certain extent the, UK. Seeing the drivel that Ireland is sending this year I can certainly say that it won’t be taking place south of the border, but the UK’s entry is decent and dare I say pretty good actually. Maybe, just maybe, the UK will win and that doesn’t necessarily mean that it will be hosted in London. The UK has also hosted it in Brighton, Edinburgh, Harrogate and Birmingham. If it has been hosted in Scotland and smaller cities in England, maybe Belfast could be an option. We successfully hosted the MTV EMAs in 2011 and other international events in recent years, and we have the concert arena and hundreds of hotel rooms. It’s a tiny possibility, but it could work…

Okay, the above is only a small portion of the mental gymnastics that it took for me to come to that conclusion. This post was inspired by a dream I had last year in the run up to the Eurovision in which Belfast hosted it. I mean, part of the appeal of going to the Eurovision for me is the travelling but if that only meant getting a two hour train to Dublin or an hour flight to London, two cities which I already know,  I’d be disappointed. So I guess if either Ireland or the UK won this year I’d be pretty upset, but in the future I’d be blessed to have the Eurovision so close to home.

I’ll probably never hear the words “Belfast calling” on live TV but my small bit of city pride likes to imagine it. Next year I’ll go to the Eurovision and fulfil a lifelong dream and I cannot wait!

This Is Acting

I took part in my first production last week and it was one of the strangest yet most spectacular experiences of my life. 

The highlight of the week was VIP night but not because of the “VIPs” (I doubt that a local TV presenter and a deputy lord mayor of a small city count as VIPs). As I stood in the wings following the encore, I popped my head around the curtain to see how much of the audience had left. Doing that is considered to be seriously unprofessional but most had left. Very few noticed my slight act of rebelion but a young girl waved at me and another gazed at me in what I perceived as admiration. I was starstruck, I felt like a true actress. It probably helped a lot that I was in full costume with stage makeup on but honestly I feel really proud that people enjoyed my performance and wanted to reach out to me.

It was a crazy week with everything from red roses to hyperglycaemia attacks, but it was certainly memorable.

The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe 

It’s only nine days until show time and your girl is getting excited. I haven’t talked about it too much but I’m about to be taking part in a production of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. Funnily enough, this show inspired the name of this blog – The Chronicles of Narnia: Chronicles of Lily Eve, although the word “Chronicles” can also relate to the word “chronic” since I talk about chronic illnesses a lot ( I totally, 100%, without a shadow of a doubt made that connection when naming the blog). 

Costume fitting took place yesterday and despite the fact that it wasn’t what I had in mind it has given me inspiration of how to play the character, as well as ideas of how to do my hair. For the first role that I play, I want something slightly glamorous because that’s just me but of course it must be simple too considering that the play takes place during WW2. Think Lauren Bacall.

Considering that I already have curly hair which is a similar length to the one in the photo I should be able to pull it off along with the help of some hair rollers. For my second and main roll I can see myself wearing my hair in multiple braids, something a bit elven but as I don’t have long hair and will be wearing a hooded cloak so I have to consider my limits. As well I’m limited by the fact that my first character will appear at the start and end of the play, meaning that I will have only minutes after the last appearance of my main character to chance my hair and costume.

I know that all of this sounds a bit… vain, but in my mind you’ve got to look the part to act the part. It will be a great night, if anyone I know IRL message me and I can get you tickets.

Numb

EDIT: Looking back on this three hours later, I can tell you that I’m okay and that this is very sensationalised. I was going to delete it but then decided to leave it up as it is an honest depiction of what mental illness can do to a person. One minute you’re fine after a good day, the next you want to kill yourself. Sorry to be blunt but that’s how it is.

I always feel like I’m the third wheel, the person that tags along despite not being explicitly invited. The one that takes photos because nobody really wants to be in a photo with me. And it’s tearing me apart. 

Some people want to be rich; others happy but I know that neither of those are possible for me so I just have one simple wish: someone to call my own. Not necessarily a boy/girlfriend, just someone that cared about me. Someone that trusted me. Someone that would recognise that I’m hurting. Someone who would organise things to do. I don’t have anyone like that. I have to ask to be invited or beg people to come out with me.

I used to care so much for everyone. I used to smile when they were happy, cry when they were sad. Now I’m just completely numb to it all. It’s one thing to be alone, but another to be lonely and it is killing me.

Diabetic Clinic 

I was a big girl today. I went to the adults diabetic clinic for the first time today. I even managed not to pass out when getting bloods done, although the nurse let me lie down and didn’t make a fuss over finding a vein which helped a lot.

I was seriously impressed by the nurses, but the doctor had me in and out in less than five minutes and told me to go private  (?!) when I asked to be referred to a Podiatrist. I wouldn’t even know where to start when it comes to going outside the NHS. How much does it cost? So yeah, I wasn’t impressed by that.

I have more input into my treatment options now and manged to get the doctor to prescribe my Toujeo instead of Lantus (types of long-acting insulin) which gives me hypos almost every night and messes up my sleep schedule. As well we discussed the new technologies for diabetics. The NHS still refuses to fund continously glucose monitors (despite the evidence that they help with blood sugar control) which is the latest advancement. In the not so distant future we may be able to test our blood by shining a laser through our fingers, but I don’t see the NHS funding that when the same results can be achieved from drops of blood.

It feels a bit strange to be treated as an adult when I feel no more mature than I did a year ago but this is all part and parcel of turning 16. 


Meeting Your YouTube Idol: It isn’t what you’d think.

There is a YouTuber that I have admired since I was nine years old when she started her channel. Recently she moved back to Northern Ireland with her family and since then I have seen her in passing twice. Northern Ireland isn’t a very big place so I knew that there was always a possibility that I would bump into her and I always visualised what would happen: I’d say hello, tell her that I’m a big fan of her videos and we’d smile at each other and then both go on our ways. 

The first time I saw her, she was with her husband and they both looked miserable. Probably just a resting bitch face or something but I surprised me considering what a happy and outgoing person she seems to be in her vlogs. I smiled but they never saw me. The second time I saw her and seeing that she was busy I refrained from distracting her. 

I’m not annoyed or upset at all about this, if anything it taught an important lesson: don’t expect people that you see on the screen to be the same in person. It was just a bit strange for me since I watched this person since I was a child, watching as she started a family and took on ambitious projects. In a way I considered her to be my friend, but of course she doesn’t even know that I exist. 

I’ve chosen not to name the YouTuber since I’m worried that this comes across as negative nor do I want to invade her privacy. This experience drove home for me that the people that I admire have their own struggles and have to take on the unglamorous tasks e.g. shopping like the rest of us.

Today

Today, well I suppose it’s yesterday now, was just one of those days that didn’t go to plan. I had all of these lovely plans which I had meticulously scheduled but of course I just didn’t happen.

It all began to fall apart in the AM as I slept in until midday despite descending to get up at 10 and have a healthy breakfast before tidying up the living room before my grandad arrived. I ended up having three chocolate digestives and never got to clean up. My grandad arrived as planned but he was ill, therefore my parents had to drive him two hours to the hospital where he lives and spend the rest of the day there, leaving me home alone without any money or mode of transport. Don’t get me wrong though – there was plenty of food in the house and I had my savings in case of emergency. However this effectively ruined my plans for the rest of the day which consisted of:

  • Buying a pair of dance shoes
  • Buying a new RAM chip for my parents’ computer 
  • and going to a Spanish conversation class

I don’t need parental supervision to do any of these things but I needed transport which meant that I needed to have money for bus fare or a parent around to give me a lift. 

So with all my plans put on hold I was left twiddling my thumbs. Normally I have no issue entertaining myself when I’m home alone but I couldn’t find anything remotely interesting to do. This led to me doing laundry, cleaning dust out of the PC and making dinner for my brother and I (if oven chips and sausage rolls really count). I’m so bad at keeping track of the days that I didn’t remember until midnight that I had TV programmes that I had recorded to watch. I watched the BBC news channel all day instead for God’s sake.

I know this all comes off as very shallow but I was thinking of my grandad all day and was constantly texting my parents. There just wasn’t much that I could do from 200km away which made me feel awful redundant and anxious. I’m just glad that he’s most likely going to be okay.